A wise man once said that there are four keys to ultimate happiness. 1) You must find a woman that likes to cook and clean. 2) You must find a woman that likes to have lots and lots of sex. 3) You must find a woman that has lots and lots of money. And 4) You must make sure that these three women never meet each other!
Ten times in history when using the “F”
word was appropriate:
10. 'What the *&%# was that?' - Mayor of Hiroshima, - August 1945
9. 'Where did all these *&%#ing Indians come from?' - Custer, 1877
8. 'Any *&%#ing idiot could understand that.' - Einstein, 1938
7. 'It does SO *&%#ing look like her!' - Picasso, 1926
6. 'How the *&%# did you work that out?' - Pythagorus, 126 BC
5. 'You want WHAT on the *&%#ing ceiling?' - Michelangelo, 1566
4. 'I don't suppose it's gonna *&%#ing rain.' - Joan of Arc, 1434
3. 'Scattered *&%#ing showers...my ass!' - Noah, 314 BC
2. 'Aw c'mon, who the *&%# is going to find out?' - Bill Clinton, 1997
1. 'I need another parade like I need a *&%#ing hole in my head!' - JFK,
1963
A young man goes into a drug store to buy condoms. The pharmacist says the condoms come in packs of 3, 9 or 12 and asks which the young man wants. 'Well,' he said, 'I've been seeing this girl for a while and she's really hot. I want the condoms because I think tonight's 'the' night. We're having dinner with her parents, and then we're going out. And I've got a feeling I'm gonna get lucky after that. Once she's had me, she'll want me all the time, so you'd better give me the 12 pack.' The young man makes his purchase and leaves. Later that evening, he sits down to dinner with his girlfriend and her parents. He asks if he might give the blessing, and they agree. He begins the prayer, but continues praying with his head down for several minutes after everyone starts eating. The girl leans over and says, 'You never told me that you were such a religious person.' He leans over to her and says, 'You never told me that your father is a pharmacist!’
A woman decided to have a face lift for her birthday. She spent $5000 and felt really good about the results. On her way home she stopped at a dress shop to look around. As she was leaving, she said to the sales clerk, 'I hope you don't mind me asking, but how old do you think I am?' 'About 35,' was the reply. 'I'm actually 47,' the woman said, feeling really happy. After that she went into McDonalds for lunch and asked the order taker the same question. He replied, 'Oh, you look about 29.' 'I am actually 47!' she said, feeling really good. While standing at the bus stop she asked an old man the same question. He replied, 'I am 85 years old and my eyesight is going. But when I was young there was a sure way of telling a woman's age. If I put my hand up your skirt I will be able to tell your exact age. 'There was no one around, so the woman said, 'What the hell?' and let him slip his hand up her skirt. After feeling around for a while, the old man said, 'OK, You are 47.'Stunned, the woman said, 'That was brilliant! How did you do that?' The old man replied, 'I was behind you in line at McDonalds.'
Crazy Mike the Biker walks into a pharmacy
and says to the pharmacist, "Listen, I have three girls coming over tonight.
I've never had three girls at once, and I need something to keep me horny...
keep me potent." The pharmacist reaches under the counter, unlocks the
bottom drawer and takes out a small cardboard box marked with a label "Viagra
Extra Strength" and says, "Here, if you eat this, you'll go NUTS
for 12 hours!"
Then Crazy Mike says, "Gimme three boxes!" The next day, Crazy Mike
walks into the same pharmacy, right up to the same pharmacist and pulls down
his pants. The pharmacist looks in horror as he notices the man's penis is
black and blue, and the skin is hanging off in some places.
Crazy Mike says, "Gimme a bottle of BenGay."
The pharmacist replies, "BenGay?!?!?! You're not going to put BenGay
on that are you?"
Crazy Mike says, "No, it's for my arms, the girls didn't show up."
A wife arrived home from a shopping trip,
and was horrified to find her husband in bed naked, with a lovely young thing.
Just as she was about to storm out of the house, her husband stopped her and
said, "Honey, before you leave, please let me explain."
The wife stopped to listen. He continued, "I was driving along the highway,
and I saw this young girl looking very tired and bedraggled, so I offered
her a lift. She was also hungry, so I brought her home and made her a meal
from the roast beef in the refrigerator which you didn't like. She was wearing
some much worn sandals, so I gave her a pair of your shoes which you'd discarded
simply because they were out of style. She was cold, so I gave her the sweater
I bought you for your birthday - the one you never wore because the colours
didn't suit you. Her slacks were torn, so I gave her a pair of yours that
were perfectly good, but much too small for you now."
The wife seemed to have no problem with any of this, but still needed just
one question to be answered. "That's all fine and good," she said,
"but why did I find you both in our bed with no clothes on?" The
husband replied, "Well, that's simple... see, as she was about to leave
the house, she turned to me and asked, "Is there anything else that your
wife doesn't use anymore?"
There is a girl walking up the stairs in a
church one day. As the priest is walking by, he looks up and notices that
this girl is not wearing any panties. He then calls the girl and gives her
$50 and says "Little girl, take this money and buy yourself some panties
as it is not good to walk around without any panties on."
The girl then goes home and gives the money to her mother and asks her mother
to buy panties for her. When the mother asks where the girl got the money
from, the girl explained what happened. Upon hearing how the girl got the
money, the mother rushes to her room, whips off her panties, and puts on one
of her shortest dresses and runs out to the church. As soon as the mother
sees the priest coming, she begins to walk up the stairs. The priest then
notices the lady and calls her down.
The woman not wanting to show that she is expecting anything walks back to
the priest very calmly. The priest then gives the lady $1 and says, "Take
this money and for God's Sakes, buy yourself a razor!"
A little guy goes into an elevator, looks
up and sees this HUGE guy standing next to him. The big guy sees the little
guy staring at him, looks down and says, "7 feet 3 inches tall, 385 pounds,
12 inch penis, 2 pound left testicle, 2 pound right testicle, Turner Brown."
The small guy faints away and falls to the floor. The big guy kneels down
and brings him to, gently slapping his face and shaking him, "Are you
alright?"
In a very weak voice the little guy says, "Excuse me, but what EXACTLY
did you say?"
The big dude says, "I saw the curious look on your face and figured I'd
just give you the answers to the questions almost everyone always asks me.
I'm 7 feet 3 inches tall, 385 pounds, 12 inch penis, 2 pound left testicle,
2 pound right testicle, and my name is Turner Brown."
The small guy says, "Thank God! I thought you said 'Turn Around'.
I, the penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons:
I do physical labor
I work at great depths
I plunge head first into everything I do
I do not get weekends off or public holidays
I work in a damp environment
I don't get paid overtime
I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation
I work in high temperatures
My work exposes me to contagious diseases
Dear Penis,
After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you have raised, the administration rejects your request for the following reasons:
You do not work 8 hours straight
You fall asleep on the job after brief work period
You do not always follow the orders of the management team
You do not stay in your allocated position, and often visit other areas
You do not take initiative - you need to be pressured and stimulated in order
to start working
You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift
You don't always observe necessary safety regulations, such as wearing the
correct protective clothing
You'll retire well before reaching 65
You're unable to work double shifts
You sometimes leave your allocated position before you have completed the
day's work. And if that were not all, you have been seen constantly entering
and leaving the workplace carrying 2 suspicious looking bags.
Sincerely,
The Management
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