An excerpt from The Obscene Chronicles...
"Strip Club Etiquette 101"
There are a few major milestones in a man’s life, and his first trip to a strip club is one of them! While this is normally a guaranteed good time for the guys, the women working in the club may disagree. Sure they seem like they’re having fun and they like you, but they’re working and for the most part it’s an act. Why? Because most guys who go to strip clubs are drunken assholes. To separate yourself from the other wasted fools and get the most “bang for your buck,” follow these tips.
1) When talking to the girls at the club, always use the word “dancer” not “stripper” when talking to them. “Stripper” sounds rather derogatory.
2) Do NOT touch or lick them! This is one of the easiest ways to piss them off and possibly get kicked out. If she tells you that it is okay to touch her in certain areas, stick to those areas only! Your wondering hands my lead to her wondering knees, and you don’t want to be on the receiving end of that.
3) Just because you see her letting someone else touch her, don’t assume you can do the same. She may know that person and not mind if they touch her. Dancers will typically let women touch them a little more than men. Why? One reason is that they could be bisexual or lesbian. The other reason is that women are less threatening and less rude in general. Also, the types of women that visit strip clubs tend to be open-minded and don’t judge the dancers. We’ll even go as far to say that many women even fantasize about being a dancer themselves. They may not want to make a career out of it, but the attention, the power, the thrill, the sexual energy, and the money can be very enticing.
4) Whenever possible, take a woman (non-dancer) up to the stage with you. That typically makes for a very entertaining show. Nine times out of ten the dancer will pull your woman up on the stage and have a little fun with her. If not, you still can’t go wrong with a girl-on-girl lap dance.
5) If you’re sitting at a stage, for God sakes tip them! Don’t be a cheap skate and NEVER, EVER use coins! That’s an insult worthy of a Stiletto heel to the head.
6) How do you know when to actually sit down at the stage? Most clubs use a “three song set,” meaning that the girls will rotate from stage to stage every three songs. When you enter the club, pay attention to how many songs are in their sets. Also pay attention to when they actually start taking off the majority of their clothing. During a “three song set,” it’s usually towards the middle of the second song. So the number of people at the stage already will determine when you sit down. If it’s packed, you need to get your ass there sooner because they tend to make their rounds on a “first-come-first-serve” basis. If it’s a stage that lacks other spectators, then let her take a little off first, and then head over and sit down. Sometimes sitting down at a slow stage early can be a good thing for both of you. You get the attention of a private dance at a “blue-light” price, and she’s not dancing at an empty stage. No one likes to feel unappreciated now, do they?
7) Don’t be “That Guy” that stands three feet away from the stage and gets a front row seat without paying for it. You wouldn’t like doing your job for free would you? Neither do they. If you don’t have money to tip, then what the hell are you doing there in the first place? If you’re there with friends and don’t want a dance, that’s fine. Go park your dumb ass at the bar.
If you are approached by a dancer and she asks you if you want a “private dance” tell her “Yes” or tell her “No.” Don’t waste her time if you don’t want one or can’t afford one. She’s on the clock.
8) Chris Rock said it best: “There’s no sex in the ‘Champagne Room.’” If you’re looking for “additional services,” let your fingers do the walkin’ in the Yellow Pages (look under “Escorts”). Just because she takes her clothes off for a living doesn’t mean she’s a hooker.
9) Never ask a dancer her real name. If she wants to tell you, she will offer it to you. Most dancers try to separate “real” life from “work” life. This is generally because many of them believe (although not always true) that they are two separate people inside the club and outside the club. If you ask her for her real name, she will probably lie. And once she lies to you, she will automatically rule you out as a possible friend or lover, because then she would have to later try to explain the lie. They are also extremely wary of stalkers, and in this day and age it is amazing how much stuff you can find out about a person with just a name, phone number, address… etc.
10) We realize it may seem that she really likes you, but it’s her job to seem that way. Just like any other sales-type job, she’s looking for regular clients and a steady stream of income. What better way to convince you to come back over and over again than by showing “interest” in you? You talk and she listens, because your girlfriend or wife doesn’t, right? So you keep coming back. That’s fine and we encourage it. Besides, it probably costs you just as much as a shrink would anyway. Not to mention she’s a hell of a lot more entertaining. Just remember, when the night is over leave the “session” at the club. Don’t turn into one of those pathetic psychos that stalk her after she leaves the club. All that’s going to do is freak her out or piss her off. You’re never going to be allowed back in the club after that. If she’s really interested she’ll let you know.
11) Last but not least, “Dancers are people too.” They have feelings and emotions just like any other woman in your life. Don’t be mean, disrespectful, or act is if you’re better than them, because you’re NOT! If you were attractive enough that people would pay you to take your clothes off, you’d probably do it too. Leave all your judgments at the door. So remember, be nice. All dancers are someone’s daughter, sister, girlfriend, wife, etc… not just a sex object. Well, most of them anyway.
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